The Fate of Cell Phone, House Key and Allowance
When we got Danielle a cell phone back in April, I was opposed to the idea. I felt, and I still feel, that Danielle really doesn't need a phone. I acquiesced because it was something Danielle wanted, and we thought that it might act as a form of currency to entice better behavior. It worked for a short time, but it didn't take long before threatening to take the phone actually resulted in an escalation of bad behaviors. It also didn't take long before I had to threaten to cut the phone off at the source, because Danielle wouldn't hand it over.
The biggest argument in favor of the phone was that we thought, once adopted, Danielle would be able to enjoy greater freedom. Once the odious foster care rules were lifted, we thought we would be able to let her visit safe places on her own, and we might leave her at home alone for short periods of time.
Unfortunately, Danielle has made it abundantly clear that she's not ready or mature enough to enjoy greater freedom or to stay home by herself. A kid who gets violent, threatens to call 911, and lies about burglars, should not be left unsupervised. It's clear that even though we are no longer required to constantly supervise Danielle, it is unwise not to do so.
So the need for Danielle's cell phone has vanished, since there is no possibility of her being left alone, without the company of an adult.
Since Danielle cannot be trusted to be in the house alone, it also removes the need for her to have a house key. When she goes out, she rarely remembers it, even when reminded. During one recent departure, I asked her if she had her key, and she assured me that she did, patting her pocket. Not two minutes after she left, I found her key in the living room, not in her pocket as she'd claimed. I took her key and put it in the dish with the other household keys, but now I question whether or not she really needs to have it back.
I am also thinking that our current system of paying her allowance isn't really working either. For nearly two years, we've been giving Danielle a small allowance that hasn't been tied to completion of chores or behavior. In the beginning, we paid it weekly, and Danielle expressed a considerable lack of gratitude concerning the arrangement. Later, we switched to a monthly payment, because it was easier to manage with our cash flow. We gave the allowance, regardless of behavior, because we wanted Danielle to develop money concepts and at least a small desire for stuff so that we might use it to motivate her.
It hasn't really worked out that way. Danielle still isn't particularly motivated by stuff, and seems to have a very poor understanding of money. Since the beginning of the year, she has blown through her entire savings account, and didn't seem all that distressed by the fact that she had no more money. Other than a few items of clothing, Danielle has spent nearly all her cash at the liquor store next to her school, buying chips, soda pop and candy.
I'm no longer sure that giving Danielle $20 per month, just for breathing, makes sense, especially when her behavior has been so difficult. I'm pondering tying her allowance to both chores and behavior, in the hopes that it might make a difference. Perhaps her behavior will improve if she sees that good behavior and completing chores affects her income in a positive way, while explosions and failing to do her assigned work affect it in a negative way.
But then again, it might not.
Given her behavior, I am considering the fate of her cell phone, house key and allowance, because I'm not sure any of them are necessary or helpful at this point in time.
9 comments:
I'm nearing the end of my home study and have been told if the child is ages 6-11, we as foster parents are "required" to give them $10 a month and it's to be for their personal choice of use; we can not make them spend it on necessities of any kind. If they are 12-17, we are "required" to give $20 a month. We can pay them extra, if we want to for chores and such, but we are "required" to pay the minimum simply because the state orders us to. All their necessities have to come out of the remainder of the total $600 a month reimbursement that we get for them. What are the policies in your state while the child is still under the state's care (before adoption)? Just curious how our states compare or contrast.
Danielle's lack of responsibility with the house key and money seem to suggest that she is afraid of the freedom and responsibility that come with age. She may be 'saying' that she needs the nurture she missed out on as a younger child and doesn't want to move away from you to independence.
It's so hard when her behaviour means that you are constantly looking for time away from her!
The fact that running out of money doesn't bother her indicates that it wouldn't be helpful to tie pocket money to chores or to threaten to remove it.
Children with insecure attachment are constantly testing your affection and commitment to them and see any 'no' as a rejection of them.
My (adopted) daughter is two and doesn't respond well to my saying 'no' (in whatever way I say or indicate it). She either completely ignores me and rejects what she wanted - as if to say 'you can't hurt me; i didn't want it anyway' - or gets REALLY upset as if the world is coming to an end.
Sadly, you can't just 'fix' attachment issues and I believe that all children who are adopted or in foster care have some degree of attachment issues.
Giving Danielle your love and showing her that she has a secure place in your family is the best way to help her heal.
You're doing a wonderful job; don't give up on her - or you.
My kids get allowance but with the exception of a dollar or two the money goes in a passbook savings account. My now 13 y/o worked out a very clever negotiation w/ me on buying a big screen TV a few yrs back by convincing his siblings to go in on one with him. I don't really allow unrestricted access to money though. It is something we talk about before it gets spent. I would just quietly take the house key. She doesn't need it, you don't have to worry about it being lost. Cut off the cell phone and blame the economy. But keep the allowance. If you take away everything it is going to look like you are angry or unloving in her eyes. Hang in there!
Would you be willing to try an experiment for a week? For a week, try to punish Danielle as little as possible. If she's bugging you, take yourself away--go to another room or out for a walk or something. Ignore bad behavior and instead make a point of noticing her being good, and over-praise her for it--just for a week. If she refuses to do something small, like take out the trash, just say something like, "I'm disappointed you won't help," and do it yourself. See if anything is different if you do things that way for a week.
Jeannie--in WI, we aren't required (if I recall correctly) to give an allowance. However, it's strongly recommended in the guiding document, and says that allowances will be determined by the team. If it's given, it comes out of the monthly stipend money (hah!--since that doesn't even cover necessities in WI). I would guess that the team also decides if it's based on chores and effort or just automatic.
I am fond of "grace" giving. Things that are given by grace, without being tied to behavior. Just because, you are loved. I think we all need some of that.
When my girls reached Danielle's age, I got tired of passing out a dollar for this, lunch money, money for the movies, etc. I started giving them $20 each every Monday. That money was used for lunches and whatever miscellaneous expenses they had for the week. If they chose to pack their own lunch (and they had to make it), then they had extra money to have fun with. The plus side for me was that they were expected to never ask me for money. If the school week was shortened, the weekly money was less than $20. It worked for us and it let the girls learn the value of saving some of their money.
Just my own thoughts as a lurker (who lurked before you went private and was delighted to find you'd opened up again recently).
I personally wouldn't remove the allowance. And for several reasons - she'll resent you for it, you'll not be able to expect her to use it for anything at all, she'll not be able to use it for anything so will have to beg for anything she needs - which in turn increases resentment, she'll not learn any kind of fiscal responsibility without it (and especially now when you know her bank balance is nil, it'll come as an even bigger "you hate me and want me to suffer" message). And, having no money whatsoever will open her up to the possibility of stealing instead- shoplifting or from yourselves. Is she strong enough to resist that?
I loved reading and learning from these comments. As a new step parent I am constantly trying to understand the best, most positive way to change my step daughter's behavior - how to help her become an adult without all the yelling and meltdowns. On a recent hike with some friends, my friend told a little girl "use your walking feet" rather than saying "stop running!" What a great idea. She used to teach child rearing for years. I'm only just beginning to read up on it. All of you who are foster parents should be very proud - you are doing a great thing for these children.
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