Danielle is a "Pleasure"
Just a few moments ago, FosterEema's cell phone rang. It was Danielle's friend's mother, who called to extend the sleepover invite until Friday.
"Danielle is being a pleasure," the woman said.
A pleasure?
Oh, this woman does not know this child.
I'm glad that Danielle is behaving nicely for her friend's mother, because it gives us another couple of nights of alone time.
But, it also makes me really angry. I am tired of dealing with escalating explosions, hitting, threats and lies, when Danielle is capable of so much better.
Counting our current therapist, Danielle has worked with a total of six mental health professionals or para-professionals. She has also undergone three psychological evaluations -- one done by the county, one done by an organization that assists developmentally-delayed children and adults, and the last done by the school. Not one of these professionals has ever felt that Danielle has any form of mental illness or attachment disorder, yet they cannot explain why Danielle explodes in the way that she does.
Our current therapist, who is actually a licensed therapist has had the most insight, but even what she says is sort of a great big duh.
"Danielle has suffered a lot of abuse and trauma," she's told us.
Well duh, we'd already figured that out. What we need is something that will bring Danielle's tantrums under control. They are, in many ways, getting worse and not better, and I no longer believe that the lull between storms is an indication of lasting change.
Although Danielle can behave as sweet as pie, she can also be violent, vicious and dangerous.
Yesterday afternoon, I got a surprise call from the Friendly Social Worker. I was surprised to hear from her, because she was here the night I had to leave, and I figured she wasn't too happy with me.
But, surprisingly, she called and asked if I could give her a ride to her auto dealer so she could pick up her car after it received an oil change. We talked about what was going on, and I told her that I was still considering leaving, because I wasn't prepared to be on the receiving end of threats and physical violence.
She agreed it wasn't appropriate for Danielle to be behaving in this way and that something needed to be done. What that mysterious something might be, she didn't know.
I said that I was considering boot camp, and she suggested that Danielle might need residential treatment. That might be the case, but I think it would a hard sell, given that Danielle isn't violent and explosive all the time. When she's nice, she's really nice. When she's not, she's really awful, but she does a pretty good job of letting nobody but us see her absolute worst.
The Friendly Social Worker asked if we were documenting everything. I said yes, and she opined that the next time Danielle exploded, even if it wasn't that bad, we might want to call the emergency mental health hotline or even the police.
"If you call," she said, "then you'll have even more documentation on your side."
5 comments:
Children with mental illness can behave well around strangers out of self preservation, but at home is supposed to be safe....safe means being able to show her feelings. She just needs to work harder at learning acceptable ways to show those emotions...
It sounds to me like Danielle has serious attachment issues! It's very common for children with disordered attachment to reserve all tantrums, violence and other adverse behaviour for their immediate families.
Friends of mine have a daughter (adopted) whose behaviour sounds similar to Danielle's. She has tried to kill her sister and parents and regularly self-harms. She has been diagnosed with RAD. However, extended family and friends only see a charming and endearing child. It is extremely difficult for my friends that their parents don't believe she has any problems.
I recommend reading some books on attachment. I found Daniel Hughes' "Building the bonds of attachment" really helpful.
Outsiders never saw any of my son's issues.. I knew if I wanted to have a nice time, I just needed to take him to a public place.. even the grocery store. We always heard how cute, polite, well-behaved he was. This is a child who was raging 3-4 hours a day, has sexually abused his sisters, routinely threatened to kill me, etc, etc. I agree that it is hard to hear other people compliment yo
ur child when you are taking the abuse at home.. it is so isolating.
I agree with Kate about the Dan Hughes book. A faster read (with practical, day-to-day interventions) is Nancy Thomas's "When Love is Not Enough".
You are not alone. But you CAN do this.
I say this as gently as possible, but the whole "do you miss me?" controvery on your blog, as well as a few other things, has made me wonder...Even if a professional were to see Danielle's issues and offer you advice in managing them, do you think you'd actually take the advice under consideration? Do you think you'd try out someone else's way of doing things?
You're a pretty stubborn woman, FosterAbba. Usually it's something I respect and admire in you--it's what makes you stand firm when no one else will do the right thing, when it's time to fight on behalf of someone you love, or when your family and the rest of the world aren't accepting of who you are. But stubbornness can also have its drawbacks when it goes too far into the direction of rigidity...
Even if there is something biologically wrong with her and even if there are medications to treat it, there would still be a behavioral component to implement as well. Would you be willing to do that?
I have to say my adopted daughter is very similar, but she has been diagnosed and meds have made a world of difference. But, the professionals don't always get it, maybe if they lived with the anger they would understand and give a diagnosis? Trauma is hard because it can cause a lot of issues but they're not clear cut, there are layers and overlaps and times when the child can hide/control it. I really think they should try some medication to help her stay in control, it has made a huge difference for us, BUT took a long time to find the right med and dose.
Post a Comment