Bye Bye Cell Phone, Bye Bye House Key
FosterEema and I have been spending considerable amount of time recently discussing Danielle's cell phone, house key and allowance. It's pretty clear that the arrangements we've set up for all three aren't working.
At the moment, Danielle's cell phone is in our lock box, and her house key is in the dish with the rest of the household keys. I think both will remain where they are, at least for the foreseeable future. Danielle has no legitimate need for the cell phone or the house key, and I think until we can see a substantial and consistent improvement in her behavior, I'm going to consider the cell phone to be off limits. I believe a cell phone should be a treasured bonus for exemplary behavior, not simply something she gets because she breathes.
As for Danielle's allowance, I'm still considering what to do about it. We had told her, previously, that if we had to confiscate her phone, she would have to pay us for the amount of time it was out of her possession. Our cellular phone bill just arrived, and during the 30 possible days she could have had the phone, it was locked up for a total of 24. If we are to remain consistent with our earlier statements, I would deduct $8 from her allowance check.
Although I haven't made up my mind about her allowance, I did go back into her room and remove the check from her desk. I put it in my tickler file with a due date of Monday. By the time she returns from her sleepover, it will be too late to go to the bank tonight, and she won't be able to deposit the check on Saturday on account of the July 4th holiday. This will give us the weekend to decide what's reasonable, as it will also give us a couple of days to review her behavior.
I expect she won't take the news regarding her cell phone very well, so this could be potentially an explosive weekend.
The good news is that my mother will be coming down on Saturday, so if things get too out of control at least we'll have a witness.
I am hoping that things will go smoothly. I am dreading that they will not, because Danielle has a long history of acting out after having too much fun.
2 comments:
something triggered me here...
have you had Danielle evaluated by an occupational therapist for Sensory Integration Disorder?
one of the key aspects of SID is the tendency to have a crash/meltdown/explosion after too much stimulation- the blowup after the great times situation.
Sensory Integration Disorder treatment is typically covered by insurance, and it helps kids learn to process and deal with sensory input. It helps a disorganized mind (often the result of poorly processed sensory input) become organized.
My son has SID- he used to meltdown a lot, then it would be fine, then it started back up. We started therapy and things are much improved.
Another fact- a lot of personal hygiene issues in puberty are related to sensory issues. So is disorganization/slobbiness (although did you know that MANY sexually abused girls have trouble with hygiene issues? Its believe that they deliberately yet subconsciously sabotage future attacks by allowing nastiness in personal care- a turn off for most abusers. Also, they may have developed psychological trauma that comes from contact with the private areas and avoid touching them or acknowledging their existence unless forced)
SID has a lot of issues- depending on hypo or hyper, these kids can be clumsy, immune to social cues (even direct statements) because they're focused on internal stimuli. They may be easily overexcitable-bouncing off the walls one minute and then blowing up 2 minutes later (a lack of impulse control and recognition that they're reaching their limits)
Another big factor- they are very very very sensitive to even slight irritation or non-complacent emotions from caregivers. They are less in tune with strangers, hence the often better behavior when with strangers, but with parents, they may overreact or flip out very easily.
I don't know why I didn't think about this earlier, only that I'm used to seeing it when the child is younger, but since D has never been treated, its logical that this could be it.
Let me know if you need help getting in contact with the right people. SID therapy could completely fix (or at least make it nearly invisible) Danielle's problems, as long as you're willing to learn about the limitations of SID and what you can do to help her learn to regulate.
Seriously, here may be a lifeline.
I'm giving you some research here:
to understand the SID issue, you can read "The Out of Sync Child" available at most libraries or at amazon for a couple of dollars.
Heres a few websites:
http://www.comeunity.com/disability/sensory_integration/socialsensoryintegration.html
http://health.discovery.com/centers/kids/sensory-processing-disorder.html (read at the bottom of this one about the adults- you see'll a lot of similarities in Danielle I think)
http://teenautism.com/2008/09/02/first-days-and-sensory-processing-disorder/
This is treatable. It is something that may need to be addressed sooner rather than later, but is could resolve the conflicts you're having- she can get help, you can have it explained.
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