Happy First Blogoversary

A year ago today, FosterEema and I started this blog. I'm a little surprised that we managed to keep it up, since I honestly didn't think we'd have much to say. I didn't think that we'd manage to come up with 664 posts (including this one) about anything. I figured we'd write about the process involved in becoming foster parents, but once kids were placed with us, things would eventually become routine, boring and not particularly blogworthy.

How wrong I was.

On Saturday, we were supposed to speak during a PRIDE class for a new crop of foster parents. Unfortunately, we didn't get to go, because we had to rush a sick bird to the vet. Since the next training class in our area won't be held for another six months to a year from now, I thought I'd share what we'd planned to say during the class. FosterEema and I came up with the following list of things we wanted new and prospective foster parents to know:

1. Examine your motivations - If you are desperate for children, becoming a foster/adoptive parent might not a good idea. Children in the system, even babies, can have significant physical, developmental or emotional problems. Desperation breeds a lack of objectivity, which in turn can cause poor decision making. I'd like to think that not all counties function as poorly as ours, but here social workers seem to lick their chops when a family comes into the system "desperate" for a kid. Our county does not do any kind of matching between kids and parents. They are looking for beds, and if you have one, you're "it." Kids that work out with their foster families are often adopted by them if they become legally free. Kids that don't work out end up bounced around until they end up in a group home or age out of the system. In our county "adoptable" kids are often children who aren't working out in their current placement. It's not always true, but true often enough that one should be careful.
   
   
2. Ask lots of questions - Social workers in our county are over-worked, under-paid and often inexperienced. Ask lots of questions, and pay attention to the answers. If you don't know what something means, ask. What you don't know can hurt you, your prospective child and the rest of your family. If you don't feel you have satisfactory answers about a child that is going to be placed in your home, don't accept the placement.
   
   
3. Don't be afraid to say no - If a placement doesn't "feel" right, or if you have any reservations, don't be afraid to say no. It's better to turn down a placement before it happens than to accept one that you can't handle. You won't be blackballed for turning down your first placement call. There will be others.
   
   
4. Get phone numbers - Always ask for your worker's office number, his or her cell phone number, the office assistant's number, your worker's supervisor's number, and the after-hours emergency number. If something bad happens, you need to know who to call. Hopefully, you'll never need these numbers, but the first time you do, you'll be glad you asked.
   
   
5. Be a strong advocate - Your social worker, her boss, and the rest of the "professional team" don't live with you and your child. You are probably the best judge of what your child needs, so don't be afraid to speak up. Be ready to justify what you need, and not to back down. If your social worker isn't giving you what you need, call her boss. If that doesn't work, call her boss' boss. Work your way as far up the chain of command as necessary to get what you need. Be a polite, but but squeaky wheel. Meeting your child's needs is far more important than worrying about hurting your social worker's feelings.
   
   
6. Your child's problems aren't yours - Remember, especially if your child has behavioral problems, that you don't "own" them. Resist the temptation to become co-dependent, and don't let well-meaning friends, relatives, blog buddies, or social workers guilt you into thinking that your child's problem is your problem.
   
   
7. Don't be afraid to ask for a removal - We all hope that this never happens, but sometimes children have needs far beyond what an individual family can meet. It's important to recognize this as early as possible. It happened to us, and it happened to another blogger I know. The most important thing is to be honest and know your limits. There will be other children, and if you legitimately can't safely meet a child's needs, it's much better to move them before someone gets hurt. It's sad and painful for everyone, but if a child needs more than you can provide, let your worker know right away.
   
   
8. Take care of yourself - Foster/adoptive parenting is tough work. If you aren't taking care of your emotional and physical needs, you won't be able to meet the needs of your children, either. Parenting is tough, and parenting other people's children is even tougher. You can't give what you don't have, so if you are running yourself on empty, you don't do anyone any favors. Get respite, use it, and don't feel guilty about it. Make sure you have time away from your kids so you can keep your own reserves and energy high.

Overall, a year later I think we are in a pretty good place. Certainly, we've had our highs and lows, and days where we weren't sure we could keep going even another minute, but in the main, it's been a pretty positive experience. In some ways, this has been much harder than we expected, and in some ways much easier. In the main, it's been much harder than we expected (or were promised) to get services and support from the county; however, the kids, with the exception of "Belinda," were easier than we expected. That's not to say that our kids have been all peaches, cream and sunshine, but we haven't seen much of the really extreme behaviors that were discussed in class.

I'm not sure though, that I would unconditionally recommend becoming a foster or adoptive parent to anyone. It's a decision that should not be entered into lightly, and one needs to very carefully think about the consequences for everyone, including extended family members, before signing up for the job.