Birth Parents Don't Get to Pick

The title of this post is something I've heard people tell me enough times lately to be worth a comment. They wonder why we should care whether our agency provides services, whether "Danielle" has mental health issues, whether or not we get respite or clothing allowances. "After all," they say, "birth parents don't get those things." The Mistress of Unfair Remarks made a similar comment on more than one occasion.

It's obviously true that, if "Danielle" was our birth child, we wouldn't get those services. But there's a critical difference, and it has to do with what else would be true if "Danielle" had been born to us.

If "Danielle" had been our biological child, she:

• Would have been the product of a pregnancy marked by adequate nutrition and medical care.
  
• Would never have been physically or emotionally abused by parents who were unable to care for her.
• Would never have had to see the adults who were supposed to be caring for her too intoxicated to manage the task.
• Would have been in school from the time she was young, and wouldn't be facing a six-year deficit in her educational development.
• Would have been learning self-care and responsibility from the time she was young, and would be much more equipped than she is to deal with the real world at this point in her life.
• Would never have been traveling without her parents and in the company of a suspected pedophile.
• Would have been learning appropriate ways to get and give love, to respect others, and to be part of a family for her whole life, instead of just the past seven months.
  

Unfortunately for "Danielle", she didn't have those opportunities. She has them now, and we're committed to giving them to her and to making her a part of our family. (Note to the Quiet Troll: The issue of permanency isn't about "if" at this point; it's about what kind of permanency on what timetable will best give "Danielle" the services she needs to learn how to deal with the world.) We're working hard with her to make up lost ground, and to teach her all the things she should have already learned. We're working to make up for the ineffectual and sometimes destructive parenting she received before she came to our home.

The sad truth is, foster/adoptive parents -- especially those of older children -- are in the unenviable position of cleaning up messes other people created by their bad or ineffective parenting. We don't get to pick the experiences our kids have in their most formative years. Many of the kids that enter the foster care system are bruised and damaged, emotionally if not physically, and it's our job to pick up the pieces. The fact that we taught "Danielle" to read in just over four months should be a measure of our commitment to that job.

But please don't tell us that, if "Danielle" was our biological kid, we wouldn't get those services. If "Danielle" was our biological kid, the odds are that she wouldn't need most of them in the first place.