Scared of Children

When I was a kid, I used to jump in bed with my parents pretty regularly. Although I pretty much stopped by the time I was a teen, every once in a while I would still jump into bed, between my parents, and under the covers. The older I got, the less I did it, not because I wasn't welcome, but because I just thought I was "too old" for such nonsense. Even as an adult, sometimes, I'll snuggle up on the sofa with one of my parents and put my head in their lap. Although my family had plenty of problems, physical affection wasn't usually in short supply.

In my family of origin, household nudity was no big deal. I spent several of my formative years living on a small sailboat where privacy was pretty much non-existent. When we were at sea, we'd all shower naked on deck during rain squalls, since there were no other boats around as far as the eye could see. When we moved back into a house, it wasn't unusual (even when I was a teen) to walk into the bathroom while my mother or father were showering. If I had something important to say, I'd stick my head into the shower and chat. As long as we didn't have visitors, we'd often walk around the house naked, and only closed the bathroom doors when we were doing something that involved the generation of bad smells. Nobody thought it was weird -- it was just the way we did things in our family.

I didn't realize that our family was unusual in this way until my late teens. When discussing household modesty, I admitted to my best friend that I'd seen my father naked. She was beyond grossed-out, and wondered if he was sexually molesting me.

"No, you idiot!" I yelled at her. I was appalled she would even think such a thing.

Although my body isn't particularly attractive, I don't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to be seen naked. Frankly, it's not much in my nature to care. I would be perfectly comfortable letting kids snuggle in my bed (with pajamas on) or walk into the bathroom while I'm showering. To me, that's a normal part of family life.

But, because I am a foster parent, I do worry about these things. I feel paranoid. I'm constantly asking myself questions -- Did I remember to close the door? Is the kid going to remember to knock before coming into my bedroom. Is this hug or that snuggle "appropriate?" It definitely casts a shadow over my relationship with my kid.

"Danielle" loves to snuggle. I don't mind doing it, but every time she wants it, I find myself wondering what the social worker would think if she saw us. I'm constantly asking myself if something we do could be misinterpreted by someone outside our family and turned into an allegation. With "Danielle," it's a huge worry. I'm not concerned that she would tattle or make something up; rather, I worry that a social worker might misinterpret something and yank "Danielle" out of our home because she's so closed-mouthed. She's never disclosed anything of significance about "Burt" because she's been taught the code of silence. Never tell is her motto.

When I'm cuddling with "Danielle" there's a part of me that's very afraid. I won't let her crawl under the covers with me, and I feel jumpy if any part of her body touches my bed. She wants to lay down and cuddle, while I'm busy worrying about how much trouble cuddling could cause.

The other night, we babysat "Jack" and "Jill's" kids because "Jack" had to go to a meeting and "Jill" was out of town. To help out, we had the kids shower here, so they'd be ready to jump straight into bed when "Jack" picked them up. "Eenie" (age 7) was in an incredibly silly mood, started running through the house naked as we were trying to get her into the shower. Every time we'd shoo her into the bathroom, she'd come out, bend over, and show us her butt. Her sister "Meenie" (age 9) joined in, and pretty soon we had two naked girls running around the house with towels around their shoulders like naked superheroes.

At first, I thought it was funny, and I started to laugh. Then I thought of what might happen if a social worker found out, and it suddenly it wasn't funny anymore. I used my strict-sounding-voice and made the girls cover up. I felt really bad, but I was scared. Scared, because "Danielle" and "Meenie" are foster kids and that an allegation might be made. Scared that we might get in trouble for what was an truly an innocent game.

After the girls finished bathing, I sat them down and explained why we can't have them running around naked. "Social workers often misunderstand things that happen," I told them, "and since 'Meenie' and 'Danielle' are still foster kids, we have to worry about what other people might think. We could get in trouble because you guys were running around in the buff."

The girls understood, but "Meenie" had a question. "Once 'Danielle' and I are adopted, would you let us run around the house naked, FosterAbba?" she asked.

I laughed, but at the same time I just felt incredibly scared and sad. It's really a horrible feeling to be frightened of what kids might do, not because they are doing something harmful or dangerous, but because of what someone else might think.